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I’m embarrassed to call and ask her, as it would mean making the end of our friendship official
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I recently fell out with a close friend, and I don’t see us fixing things. We didn’t have a massive blow-up, but I’d become fed up with a few things so I stopped messaging her, and she hasn’t been in touch either.
My dilemma is that she borrowed one of my favourite dresses a year or so ago and I would really like it back. We have mutual friends who are still in touch with both of us, so I thought I could message her asking if she could give one of them the dress.
Or should I get one of our friends to ask her? I would feel awkward putting them in the middle, but embarrassed to have to make the call myself – plus I suppose it would mean making the end of our friendship official, whereas the strategy we’ve instinctively pursued is more passive. What’s the best way to proceed?
— Louisa, via telegraph.co.uk
I think you may be drifting towards drama-into-a-crisis territory here. You need to grasp this pretty innocuous nettle now before it grows into something you genuinely can’t handle.
Look. Friendships come and go, Louisa. It’s normal. We all have ex-friends, sometimes after a row, but more usually – as in this case – because we gradually realise we’re simply not as well suited as we thought. So get this situation into perspective. Fine, you’re not besties with this woman any more – but there’s nothing stopping you having a polite, respectful relationship with her. Not being friends isn’t the same as being enemies, is it?
Drop her a line on whatever social media you used to chat on. I realise you may feel awkward about doing this because the friendship has cooled and it’s been a while since you contacted her, so I’ve drafted something for you, if that helps. Read it, tweak it so it sounds like something you might write, then send it:
‘Dear X, sorry I’ve not been in touch for a while. I’m not sure quite what’s happened, but I suppose it’s simply that we’ve both moved on a bit and somehow drifted apart, haven’t we? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed our friendship. I have so many happy memories of it. I really hope it’s the same for you.
‘That’s the main thing I wanted to tell you. The other thing is much less important! I was looking for that dress of mine and suddenly realised you might still have it. If I’m right, would you mind sending it back to me? (I love that dress!) If not, no worries – I’ll have another root around for it.
‘Anyway, much love and take care of yourself — Louisa.’
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
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